yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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