dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
