she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
