Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize