My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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