New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize