Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
