Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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