K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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