I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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