my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
