So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
