Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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