Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
