so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
