She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
