just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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