remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
