If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
