All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
