Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
