He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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