Tell her she can't have a vagina
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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