Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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