I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
