You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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