I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
