oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
