I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize