Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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