My liver just broke up with me...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
