I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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