Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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