Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
