i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
