I got chris browned last night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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