There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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