I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
