My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
