I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
