I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize