thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
