I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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