she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
