Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize