I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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