after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
