I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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