I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
