I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
