I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
zippers are such a cool invention
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your penis caused this!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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