My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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