I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
