i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
