my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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