I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
