I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
