So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize