Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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