Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
