My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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